Practical Resources for Grief
for those who are experiencing loss, and those who are supporting
Many beautiful people that I know have experienced death lately, and I have frequently been asked:
“What books have helped you?”
“How the hell do you survive this?”
“How can I help this person?”
I’ve decided to create this post, a practical resource for those who are grieving or who know someone struggling with loss. I often hear, “I just was so scared of saying the wrong thing,” to which I reply, “I’ve found that the only wrong thing that can be said is nothing.”
We aren’t literate in grief; to no fault of our own, most of us don’t know how to speak the raw language that loss demands of us. But we can learn. I hope that this article provides some useful insight into how we can all navigate these uncharted waters together.
For Those Who Are Grieving:
I am deeply sorry that you are experiencing this loss. There is nothing like it. I wish I could give you a hug, and we could sit in loving silence while you talk, cry, scream, and mourn your beloved dead.
In the acute stages of loss (hours, days after), assemble your entourage of loved ones. Don’t be shy in how you communicate. The morning after my daughter died, I texted my beloved friends and family: “We are in hell. We are not okay.” Don’t be afraid to share how you’re really feeling because, frankly, you need a lot of support. You need people to cook for you, grocery shop, and offer you bites of food even though your stomach seems to have sworn off food forever. You need someone to care for your pets, call the funeral home, and contact other family members. You really can’t do this alone. I pray that everyone experiencing loss has a few solid loved ones who can show up for them in the big ways that are so very needed.
What you, the bereaved, can focus on in these first days:
Try to eat regularly, even if it’s just a few bites. Eat warm, comforting foods, such as soups with bone broth, hot tea with honey, oatmeal with maple syrup, etc.
Stay hydrated as best you can—a constant flood of tears can deplete the body pretty quickly. Hot tea is great for this as it is deeply soothing and provides not only hydration but much-needed minerals and nutrients, too.
Sleep when you can; don’t be shy about closing your door and checking out from whoever is around. You need to rest when you’re able; your loved ones will understand.
Oftentimes, after trauma, we will not be able to fall asleep on our own, so be gentle with yourself and support sleep in the ways you can. I took Benedryl every night until we got melatonin from the store. Magnesium, kava, rescue remedy, trace mineral drops, and strong chamomile tea are all great allies for a shaken and traumatized nervous system and can be used all throughout the day as well (not medical advice, just my own experience)
Speak your needs plainly. Don’t mince words or worry about being a burden. Those around you want to help you in every way they can, and you have very limited energy right now.
Let yourself check out. Our bodies and minds cannot handle being in shock and the fight-or-flight response for long periods of time. If you feel you’re at capacity and need to turn on a mind-numbing Netflix series for a few hours, do it.
If it hasn’t been done already, appoint someone to be in charge of managing the release of the body to a funeral home and coordinating the proceedings for your beloved dead. This absolutely sucks. It’s the worst. And yet, it has to be done quite quickly amidst the shock of the loss. A family or friend who is brave and organized will handle this for you and only involve you when they need to (for legal authorizations)
Consider finding a counselor, therapist, or grief support group for the coming weeks and months. Grief is active and must be nurtured and processed over time, which is much easier with a wise companion guiding and supporting you. We aren’t meant to do this alone.
Hold tight to your loved ones, and let yourself wail as loudly as you need to. Take long hot baths, curl up under the covers, and if you can, let the sunshine hit your face every now and then. Breathe, hold yourself, hug yourself. You WILL survive this. It doesn’t feel like it; in fact, it feels like you yourself are dying. But you will. You are very strong. Humans are resilient despite it all - you will never be the same, but you will be able to breathe again. One day, you will smile again. One day, you will feel your beloved loved one right there with you and feel a sense of comfort and peace. Talk to those who have also had a loss similar to yours, if you can, and see how they still stand tall. Witness their endurance and know that you, too, will stand tall again.
Books and Resources for Those Experiencing Loss:
Practical Books on Grief:
It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay
Spiritually Insightful Books:
Books for Perinatal and Infant Loss:
Caravan of No Despair (about losing her teenager, but I found it helpful)
Other Books that I Find Helpful (not all are specifically about grief):
Signs, the Secret Language of the Universe
Support:
PSI - Postpartum support international
they have a wide range of support groups for mama’s experiencing loss
SHARE pregnancy + loss support
they have in-person and online support groups across the US
US-based in-person support groups for all who are grieving a loss
Easy to sign up + very prompt one-on-one online therapy + group therapy
A great online resource + database for those who have lost a child
In-Person Community Grief Ritual -
A powerful opportunity to grieve in community. This ritual is based on the renowned teachings of Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé, brought to the US from the Dagara People of Burkina Faso.
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving:
If you can, drop everything and go to where they are for a few days. Find a hotel or Airbnb nearby. See where they need support, and jump in where you can. Buy lunch for everyone, clean the house, do a load of laundry, help organize the memorial, or buy groceries. I will never forget those who came to support us; it is so deeply meaningful.
In my experience, I didn’t have the capacity to answer if someone asked, “Do you want me to come?” But if they showed up, I was so glad they did. So, go. Those who are in the shock of loss may not have the energy to respond to your text or even know what day it is. Just go to them if you can.
Don’t talk, listen. Simply holding the hand of someone who is grieving in silence goes a long way. They will often say exactly what needs to be said without you needing to prompt anything. Comforting nods, rubbing their back, looking them in the eye. Don’t try to fix anything or insert words where silence is golden. Just be with them, love them, and listen. Simply having your presence there will help them process. If you feel you need to say something, you can try: “I love you so very much. I’m here for you, always. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Additionally, mirroring back to them what they are saying can be helpful if you feel like they are wanting to talk and share. If they say, “I can’t believe this happened,” shake your head and say, “I know. I can’t believe this happened”. If they say, “He was so brave,” you agree and say, “He was the bravest.” - Being validated in your experience in grief is very helpful and healing.
Play the role of a loving Mother. Put on your nurturing hat and gently offer them warm foods, hot tea, cozy socks, a hot bath, soothing music, etc. If they go out for a walk, change the sheets for them while they’re gone. Check to make sure their water bottle is full. Bring some fresh flowers into the room, and open the window for a while to let some air in.
Don’t ask if you should do these things, just do them. If someone asked me: “Do you want more water?” in the days following my daughter's death, I wouldn’t have had any clue if I did or not.
Softly, softly, softly. Be very attentive to how you’re speaking and showing up in their space. Their nervous system is shot, and they are having a very hard time regulating. Sudden movements, aggressive language, or loud noises can unintentionally send someone into a panic attack.
Follow their lead. If your bereaved person is not talking in a group setting or is picking at their food, notice it.
Although having a big group of loved ones around was very supportive and comforting, I found that meal times became too lively and cheery for me. It felt like I was floating over the room while everyone else carried on with their happy lives, and it was exhausting. If your bereaved person is laughing, joking, or talking, then by all means, be cheery! Just be mindful of where they’re at emotionally in any given situation.
CHECK IN! After you return home, continue to check in every few days. Simply sending a text, “Thinking of you. I love you,” goes so very far. It can feel isolating once the house quiets and life returns to “normal” - yet normal for those grieving will never exist again as they knew it. Let them know that they’re not alone. Weeks, Months later. Years later. Continue to check-in. Whenever they pop into your mind, let them know. Continue to ask them how they are feeling.
One of my favorite questions is, “How is your grief today?” If you have the bandwidth to receive their feelings with an open heart, create a loving space for them to share freely.
Don’t take it personally if they don’t respond. Offer your love and support from a place of selflessness. Even if they don’t write back, they appreciate your love and care.
Know that it takes time. Don’t rush the person; don’t assume they are “okay” and have healed because you see them smiling or laughing one day. Grief is everchanging from day to day, moment to moment.
I once heard that when someone you love dies, a piece of you dies along with them. You will forever have that hole missing where they once existed, but you will continue to grow around the hole. The missing piece and the loss never shrink or go away; you and your life grow bigger and wider around it. What once was all-consuming becomes manageable, and eventually, instead of acute pain, their presence can feel like a warm remembrance.
Address the elephant in the room. Someone died. Not acknowledging the horrible loss that this person has gone through can be deeply upsetting. We can’t “see” grief, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Keep it simple, but look them in the eyes with love and acknowledge the loss. “I am so sorry your _____ died. I love you, and I’m here for you.” Give them a hug. Hold their hand. It might be uncomfortable at first, and you might not know what to say, but I promise that not acknowledging the loss feels so much worse for the bereaved than stumbling over your words with good intentions.
Thank you for reading this, thank you for grieving, and thank you for supporting those who grieve.
I believe the raw humanness that grief demands is a lost art that we brave lovers are reviving. Grief has the capacity to teach us unconditional love in a way that nothing else can. My prayer is that one day, all those who are amidst horrible loss have kind, caring loved ones to carry them through.
I hope this article can be helpful. In the comments, I would love to hear the books and resources that have helped you amidst grief so we can continue weaving this loving web of support for our fellow humans.
With Gratitude,
Rohini
Songs that soothe my grieving heart -
This is so beautiful. How selfless of you to put this together at this time, when your own heart is still so deeply in the throws of loss and grief. This is an incredible resource. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I wanted to add a recommendation, My Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I found the way she documents her own grief as she went through it to be hugely cathartic